Wednesday, December 3, 2014

Your Winter Horoscopes, I Guess

As we near the solstice/EOY/darkest depths of winter despair, my witch blood has flared up again and so I'll offer you yet more unsolicited life advice based on birthdays. I'm getting the hang of this, truly, probably.
ARIES: I cannot imagine a world without oranges, but according to my trustworthy friend Liz, apparently, we're all heading in that direction. It's terrible. It's something to do with a fungus, or a genetic change in the fruit, or something equally benign/apocalyptic—I don't know, look it up. I guess we're going to all going to have to get really into grapes or carrot sticks for our 3 PM snack, but I don't know if my heart is really in it. This is a metaphor for something in your life, but I'm tired from my lack of vitamin C, so you're going to have to do the heavy lifting on this one.

TAURUS: The new Star Wars trailer has divided people into two camps: those who believe that the cross-light-saber is cool, and those who know that, if wielded in battle, some chumpy Jedi is going to cut his own hand off and save Darth Vader the trouble. A lot is riding on what camp you find yourself in, Taurus. More than you could even know.

GEMINI: There is a baby-name website actively advocating for expectant parents to name their children Roscoe and Buster. I weep for these unborn children, I truly do. Can you imagine having to say, "Hi, my name is Buster Johnson and I'm here to interview for the sales position?" Or explaining, every day for your entire speaking life, yes, really, Roscoe, and no, your parents didn't name you in 1932? You're smart, Gemini. Give your kids a fighting chance.

CANCER: You are the embodiment of that motivational poster that goes, "How to have a bikini body: 1. Have a body. 2. Put a bikini on your body." Just carry on. I have nothing to add.

LEO: I have a serious question for you, Leo, and I want you to really think about it. How much time would you say you spend each day considering your own reflection? Maybe not even really consciously doing it, but checking yourself in brushed-aluminum elevator doors and on the backs of spoons? And then judging it, sighing, and feeling 10% worse than you did even three minutes before? Maybe think about spending less time doing that.

VIRGO: Have you been watching Fargo? The whole thing is like hanging out with my uncles, if they were inept criminals. Also, Billy Bob Thornton is in it; looks like that dude was really ahead of the curve on the whole Jian Ghomeshi thing, eh? You might be equally ahead of the curve on something, but only time will tell. (That's always the way with the ahead-of-the-curve game.)

LIBRA: Of all the deadly sins, I would say you're definitely ready for gluttony. All-you-can-eat shellfish bars might not always be worth the food/salmonella ratios, but when you beat the house on those gambles, man, they really pay off. It's like shrimp, forever. Go early and stay late. Ignore all the other sins, though, or you're going to really be asking for trouble. As in: no angry shrimp eating. No lusty scallops. And remember: pride, at all-you-can-eat shelfish bars, goeth before blowing chunks.

SCORPIO: When is the last time you really let your hair down? Had a bonfire, roasted a goat, danced barefoot around the flames, and let yourself howl at the moon? I would bet that you've spent a lot of time checking to make sure your shirts are properly buttoned and your hair isn't askew, but it's time to take a break from that. Go get your warpaint on and pillage for life's pleasure.

SAGITTARIUS: The phrase "You only get one shot at this" is such a cliche, but dammit, it serves a purpose. So does "This is no dress rehearsal." Both phrases are favourites of the chronically insipid, but they can be powerful when you remember that yeah, actually, you're running out of life-time and some day you're going to die. So book that trip to Spain, have that second baby, and quit fucking worrying about your RRSP (also, LOL at retirement, that shit is for baby boomers, we'll work until we die).

CAPRICORN: Jesus, dude. You have got to get it together on the eating front. You're not in the "muscle weighs more than fat" camp unless you can see your bicep veins; until then, eat something green at every meal. Stop eating half a pizza in one go and then wandering over every ten minutes for the rest of the night for "just one more sliver." You fool zero people with that strategy. You're not going to stay in your 20s for much longer, and then every pizza molecule you've ever ingested is going to wrap itself around your heart and squeeze.

AQUARIUS: Soul homework: remind yourself every day while you brush your teeth that you're only one person and the fate of the world doesn't rest on your shoulders. Every time you poop, tell yourself that you're actually fine the way you are. And when you take your first bite of food in the morning, think about the fact that you're very good at loving people. Try this for a week or two. Get back to me on how it goes.

PISCES: Remember how awesome Kyle McLachlan was on Twin Peaks, and how doofy he was on Sex and the City? Casting is everything, and I'll bet that you have at least one person in your life that's been horribly miscast: a lover who should actually be a friend, a work pal who should be upgraded into a roommate, an ex who is better suited to being a demon in hell. You'll know 'em when you see 'em.